Bloom Where Planted

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I was full of big ideas about life and things I wanted to accomplish when I was young. Then I grew up and reality took on different forms than I could ever have imagined—some wonderful, some not so good. Life handed out curve balls that pushed me in directions I hadn’t foreseen and onto paths that were unfamiliar.

Overall I’ve managed to keep my equilibrium and make the best of what I’ve been given. I’ve been mostly content, and have enjoyed much of my journey. So when I turned 58 a couple years ago I was surprised at the deep sense of grief that surfaced over those unrealized goals from my youth.

The feeling of loss over things that will never be, and experiences I will never partake of during this life hit with such finality that I found myself depressed and in mourning. I always thought I’d face old age with grace, but instead found myself kicking and screaming—NOT FAIR!

 I wasted a year feeling sorry for myself.

Then, one uneventful morning, I metaphorically slapped myself in the face and said ENOUGH! It was time to let go of those unfulfilled dreams. I needed to thank God I’m still healthy, and bloom where I’ve been planted.

I took stock, explored a latent interest in writing, and forged ahead. So what if I still feel frightened every time I try something new. That doesn’t stop me. Life is too short to worry about “what if’s” anymore. I just do it.

Guess what? I’ve found adventure, purpose, and excitement again. My future may be somewhat limited, but I’m making the most of the time I have left. And the beauty is I’m thoroughly enjoying this stage in my life.

If you’re feeling the way I was—please stop. New dreams are waiting to be realized, but you won’t find them unless you let go of the past and take a risk.

I used to think that flowers were most beautiful when they were just budding. Now I rejoice in the luscious extravagance of a flower in full bloom. Getting older has it’s challenges, but there’s much wisdom gained through life experience. Peace comes with accepting who and where you are.

Bloom where you’re planted, dears. If you make the most of today—tomorrow will take care of itself.

Glow

Nothing beats the glow-filled feeling of accomplishment that comes from pushing through obstacles and completing a worthwhile goal. Whether it’s a challenging physical workout when you didn’t feel like it, or persevering on a long term project that finally comes to fruition, that sense of fulfillment and satisfaction can put a grin on your face, light in your eyes, and a warm glow in your heart.

I just returned from three days in the mountains with fifteen women and fifteen hundred beads. We took multi-faceted multi-colored gems and turned them into beautiful instruments of worship that transformed our prayers and lifted our hearts into the heavenly places.

The women and I plumbed the depths of the Anglican Rosary from inception to implementation. I marveled at the creativity and tenacity each woman showed as they learned how to make Rosaries from scratch, then used them to connect with God in new and powerful ways. Surrounded by beauty and filled with the Spirit, we created, fellowshipped, laughed, cried and played together. I was truly blessed and honored to be able to lead them through this special weekend.

I’ve been to the mountaintop and back again, and though I’m exhausted physically from designing, coordinating and leading this retreat, my spirit is rejoicing and my heart is aglow with joy. It’s almost as if I can hear God saying:

“Well done, good and faithful servant.”img_0743

Khaos Kass

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Toward the end of film school, I worked on a few projects for a local church. One of the projects was a take off on the new tv reality show Survivor. Since I’d never seen the show I made certain I watched the next episode. It was my first foray into reality television. Five minutes into the show I was hooked. The project never came together, but I became a huge Survivor fan. Over seventeen years I’ve seen most of Survivor’s thirty-three seasons.

Last year I was setting up my video equipment when an attorney walked into the room and handed me her card. She looked so familiar I smiled and said, “I know you. We’ve worked together before.”

She returned the smile with a wry look and sat down. As we proceeded through the deposition, I kept trying to place where and when we’d worked together. I felt like I really knew her, but couldn’t remember. It was very disconcerting. I usually recognize names of attorneys I’ve worked with before but the name on her card wasn’t familiar.

A couple hours later we broke for lunch. The court reporter looked at the attorney and said, “I feel like I should know you, but can’t place where we met before.”

“I was on Survivor,” she replied with a grin. “Happens all the time.”

Khaos Kass! Of course I knew her.

Kassandra McQuillen, an attorney from Tehachapi, had been on two seasons of Survivor. She’d thrived on creating chaos during both seasons and was quite contentious on screen. Surprisingly, the woman deliberating in front of me all morning had been anything but controversial. She was personable, calm, and articulate.

All during lunch Kass regaled us with stories of her Survivor adventures, and shared how common it was for people recognize her. She remarked on the wild and often inappropriate things people say.

There’s a weird phenomena that happens to reality stars. Viewers vicariously participate in the intimate actions and thoughts of the stars to the point they think they know them. So when a viewer meets the reality star in person there’s a sense of false intimacy that transcends normal interpersonal boundaries.

I hadn’t cared for Khaos Kass on the show, but I really enjoyed working with Kassandra the attorney. The person I saw on the show and formed opinions about was a product of creative filming and editing. The attorney in front of me was a delightful, adventurous woman I’d enjoy getting to know.

This is a cautionary tale considering our current political milieu.

We should be careful of the opinions we foster based only on what’s seen on TV. Reality might actually be surprisingly different.

Please tread lightly with each other.

(I’m speaking to both sides here.)

Consequences

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My heart pounded at the sight of swirling lights in my rear view mirror. I had pushed a yellow light then realized there was a policeman directly behind me. Terrified he was going to pull me over, I quickly turned into a parking lot—right in front of a pedestrian. That’s when the lights came on.

I knew better than to turn in front of the pedestrian but thought there was enough room, so I swung wide to avoid him. Apprehension at the thought of being pulled over blinded my judgment. Had I not turned to avoid the policeman in the first place, he never would have stopped me. My foolish action created that which I’d feared.

What a wake up call. The yellow light, the policeman, and the pedestrian spoke volumes to my heart. I needed to slow down and stop pushing so hard. With so many irons in the fire I was starting to burn myself, and could potentially hurt others in the process.

When I’m pushing myself beyond what I can physically or emotionally handle, I lose sight of what’s right in front of me. I get so caught up with details and deadlines that I fail to notice how haphazardly I’m operating—like pushing the yellow light instead of stopping; cutting myself while frantically chopping vegetables; tripping over the dog who wants a little attention; or choosing a glass of wine instead of doing yoga to relax at night (the wine keeps me up, but the yoga makes for peaceful slumber). When I’m emotionally shut down, I tend to direct others as if they are pawns on a chessboard, not my friends and family.

I’m happy to report the policeman left me with a stern warning and not a ticket. The trauma of being pulled over made me aware of how fragile my emotional state was, and how I needed to stop everything and reprioritize. If I continued in the same mode of being there were going to be consequences.

I changed my attitude and approach to life. I started accepting help when others volunteered, and stopped volunteering for everything that needed to be done. I’m less self sufficient and capable than I thought. Now I turn down work when I need rest, and I rest when I feel overworked instead of trying to push through. My new mantra is: “There is always enough time”.

God speaks to us in mysterious ways—sometimes through circumstances. I heard His voice loud and clear that day. Heeding the warning has made my life more livable, and me more easy to live with (just ask my husband).

Superwoman I am not—nor do I desire to be. I’m just glad I finally took the suit off.

Writing Dandelions

img_0744The process of writing reminds me of dandelions. Creative ideas often sprout up out of nowhere. If we turn our attention to them, give them a little energy, they bloom into beautiful little yellow flowers of possibilities.

It takes time for them to mature. We write, and rewrite, edit, then edit more until our blooms ripen into full blown masterpieces.

Then we pluck and blow them into the literary stratosphere hoping that some will find fertile places to land. Most of our efforts will fall on unyielding pavement, but the one piece that takes root and gets watered will bloom into a thousand new possibilities for the future.

Dandelions are prolific, tenacious, and indefatigable. So must writers be if they want to find success for their efforts. We are motived from an insatiable desire to creatively corral thoughts into meaningful prose that will entertain, inform, educate, influence, and inspire the world.

Rejections are simply literary seeds that fall onto rigid soil. Eventually one of our progeny will germinate in a fertile place. When it does, all the time and toil it took for us to grow, create, release and wait as wordsmiths will have been worth it.

Happy Chair

img_0741My co-worker laughed when I asked how her little one was, then proceeded to regale me with the antics of her three year old. It had been a while since Naomi and I last worked together and time had flown by.

“I’m turning into my mother!” She stated with a grin. “I never thought I’d ever say that, but it’s happening.” In an effort to get her little girl to pick up toys in the afternoon, Naomi had started using an activity chart and stickers. I told her I’d employed similar methods when my daughter was young.

“Now I’m even contemplating using the Happy Chair,” Naomi admitted.

“Happy Chair?” I replied. “I’ve heard of time-outs and chairs in corners…what’s a Happy Chair?”

“It was my Mom’s favorite punishment, and I hated it. She would set us on a large stool and tell us we couldn’t get down until we were happy,” Naomi explained. “It was so aggravating, but it worked.”

“That’s brilliant!”

“Yeah, and she could tell if we really meant it or not. It’s hard to fake a smile.”

I pondered the Happy Chair idea as we turned back to our work. I think that’s what God’s done to me in the past. Put me in a difficult situation that I couldn’t get out of until I’d either accepted it, or learned to be happy in spite of it.

I read a book years ago entitled “Happiness is a Choice”. I wasn’t in a very good emotional place at that time, and didn’t get much out of the book because of my sarcastic attitude when reading it. Over time, though, something must have sunk in, or else I’ve become wise in my old age. I’ve learned not to let circumstances prevent me from enjoying life. There’s always something to be thankful about. And thankful people are usually happy people.

I think Naomi’s Mom had the right idea. We could all benefit from a little time in the Happy Chair!

Alternate Universe

alternate-universeWhen things of the Spirit becomes more important to us than that of the flesh, a transformation begins. Awareness becomes more attuned to the unseen than the seen. Hearts become aligned to the will of God instead of bound by the will of man. True transformation happens when the reality of the Spirit supersedes the reality of the flesh and our eyes are opened to the life of the unseen realm around us.

We do not war against flesh and blood, but against powers and principalities in the spirit realm that seek to break into and influence our world. To resist the enemy you must first be aware that he exists. There is a tug of war on our souls, and what we give place to influences the outcomes in our lives and the future of this planet.

 I have chosen to believe God the Father, the Creator of Heaven and Earth; to follow Jesus Christ, my redeemer; and to receive the Holy Spirit, without whom I would falter in this uncertain world. There is no greater choice each person makes than who they align their souls with. In the world there is corruption and hopelessness, with the flesh there is dissatisfaction and want. It is the life of the Spirit that breaks through and brings light into the world to lift man above his baser instincts into righteous living and the transformational power of love. This is where righteousness, peace and joy are found regardless of the circumstances that surround us.